I wanted to be a child savant.

I was always the smart one in class. Quick to come up with the answer. I had a good memory, and I knew how behave in situations far beyond my few years. On rare occasions the teachers let me teach - not the best idea from a learning perspective for the rest of the students and for me socially.

But because I was intelligent, I knew there was so much more I didn’t know. I could see my shortcomings and wanted to be more. I wanted to be everything people thought I was. Instead of being comfortable with where I was at (you know, as a 12 years old), I felt like a fraud because I knew there was more I could be. Child savants existed, so why wasn’t I one of those?

Spoiler alert: you can’t become a child savant.

Some of the anxiety left when I went to high school when I was surrounded by others with similar experiences and then was changed when I went to college and decided to major in something that would force me to think differently than I had for my entire prior school experience - art.

But I’m reminded of those exact same feelings today at 32. It’s the feeling of simultaneously being too much and not enough.

These feelings definitely aren’t unique to me, but I guess I haven’t dealt with the root cause as they are now resurfacing.

I know all the textbook answers for dealing with this anxiety. I know that I am capable and have the skills needed for the job, but I also know that somewhere out there is someone who has done this before and has the information that I know that I’m lacking to do the job better. I also know I won’t gain the information until I have the experience. But the people who suffer from my lack of knowledge are my coworkers and clients and in turn their customers. Their customers deserve the best because they are you who are reading this. 

What a ridiculously overwhelming thought. I want to do the best job I possibly can for everyone, but I’m not a savior and the outcome doesn’t rest solely on my shoulders. But sometimes it feels that way.